Power Ranking The Mega Man 2 Master Robots

As desperately as Dr. Wily wanted to take over the world, he seemed to have no idea how to actually do so, other than a vague notion that it should definitely involve building a lot of robots. To this end, Dr. Wily built robotic shrimp, gigantic robot cats that would shoot little robot fleas at you, flying cans with eyes on them, and hundreds of other machines that really didn’t seem to be any real threat to humanity. The centerpiece of his strategy were the Master Robots, a group of robots that were each given a special power that was sure to bring the world under Dr. Wily’s control…somehow.

Here at TJG, we’ve taken about ourselves to rank the Master Robots from Mega Man 2 to determine which of Wily’s creations pose the greatest threat. Rankings were based on each Master Robot’s functionality, stage, and toughness in battle. If a robot had some way to help Wily take over the world, was hidden away in an impenetrable fortress, and could hold its own in battle, it got a high ranking. On the other hand, if a robot has none of those things…well, let’s just say Flashman didn’t do so good on our list.

Anyway, on to the rankings:

#8 Flashman

FlashmanIf you need any proof that Dr. Wily has no idea what the hell he’s doing, Flashman is it. At least with the other robots he made, he tried to give each one a super power with obvious benefits like being able to fling tornados everywhere or being really fast. He still didn’t have any idea how to put these abilities to use in some kind of coherent world domination plan, but theoretically, each one did have the potential to be valuable. All Flashman can do is create a bright flash of light. That’s not really that useful. Jesus, Dr. Wily, just buy a strobe light if you really think it’ll help that much.

To be fair, Flashman does have the ability to freeze time for a few seconds. That sounds incredibly useful until you realize who you’re dealing with. A normal super-villain could use those few seconds to launch a nuclear missile or release some poison gas on the world, and even a couple of high school dropouts would probably figure out that a few seconds of frozen time is all the window of opportunity they need to swipe the cash out of the drawer at the 7-11. But what is Dr. Wily going to do while the rest of the world spends a few seconds in suspended animation? That’s barely enough time for him to figure out how to operate a toaster. And knowing Dr. Wily, he’d just use that time to invent a robotic earthworm that shot clumps of dirt at you.

Flashman didn’t even get a cool costume like the other master robots. He’s basically just Mega Man with a bigger head. He even has the same arm cannon as Mega Man, except that when he holds it straight up, it kind of looks like he’s giving you the finger. Maybe flipping people off was supposed to be his real special ability. It would still be useless, but it might piss off some old people. That’s something.

And it’s not like Flashman makes up for his uselessness by being tough when you fight him. Either Dr. Wily didn’t give him any damn eyes, or else constant exposure to his own weapon has made Flashman blind, because it’s fairly obvious that Flashman can’t see. As soon as the battle begins, he just runs around in a panic with seemingly no idea where Mega Man is. Eventually, he’ll freeze time and spray bullets across the room, but he almost always misses and frequently shoots in the opposite direction entirely.

Flashman's StageFlashman’s Stage: Flashman is the master of, um…flashing, and for some reason that means he lives in a disco with slippery floors. Since nobody else wants to hang around with Flashman, the only enemies you face are a handful of robots that Dr. Wily coerced into being there. The stage doesn’t have any pits, lava, or spikes to fall onto, and you even get an energy tank near the end of the stage. There’s also an alternate path for people who already have crash bombs that somehow makes it even easier. About the only thing that could stop you from getting to Flashman is if the flashing lights in the background gave you a seizure. It’s almost as if Dr. Wily wants you to kill him.

Flashman’s stage also serves as a showcase for another of Dr. Wily’s more useless creations: a moving pile of cans with eyes that takes about .04 seconds for Mega Man to kill. Yep, he’s an evil genius all right.

Conclusion: His stage is easy, he’s blind, he appears to be afraid of Mega Man, and his weapon could only be useful if he decided to attack a support group for people with epilepsy. That’s not exactly a recipe for world domination. I’m not sure what Flashman’s intended purpose was supposed to be, but if it was anything other than “give Mega Man Time Stopper and Item 3”, he’s a complete failure.

#7 Wood Man

WoodmanWhether it was the result of some kind of excessive optimism, or from living in an extreme state of denial, Dr. Wily always had the utmost confidence in his creations, even when it was fairly obvious to the rest of us that they were doomed to fail. But even he had to realize that there was no way Wood Man was going to work out. Rule number one of taking over the world with killer robots is to not make any of them out of wood. And if that somehow can’t be avoided, rule number two is not to team them up with a robot who bursts into flames at random, and another one who’s armed with saw blades. To do otherwise isn’t just incompetence, it’s downright sadistic.

What is Wood Man’s purpose anyway? His only power is being made out of wood. That’s not exactly a great skill to bring into a criminal enterprise, and even if it was, a pile of 2x4s would have done just as well. I guess in a pinch, Wily could have used Wood Man to build some nice furniture or something, but even then, “robot” seems like an unnecessary (not to mention insane) middle step in between “log” and “chair”. You could also make the argument that Wood Man is the only one of the master robots that could get through a metal detector, but I seriously doubt that security agents wouldn’t get at least a little suspicious of a log-shaped death robot trying to sneak onto a plane. I don’t know…did Dr. Wily’s plan for world domination require at least one of the robots to be able to float on water?

Metal Man has a similar lack of purpose, but can make up for it by being somewhat competent at fighting Mega Man. Wood Man, being made of a significantly less durable material, is already at a distinct disadvantage compared to any of the other 7 robot masters. But it gets worse…Wood Man’s only “weapon” is a shield. Made out of leaves. That renders him immobile while it’s active. This means that in battle, the only thing he can do is stand in place and hide behind some foliage. It’s beginning to sound like Wily built him less for taking over the world than he did simply to satisfy his cruel sense of humor by watching him try to fight.

Wood man's stageWood Man’s Stage: Wood Man’s stage takes place in a forest, which makes sense, considering that his only chance of survival would be to disguise himself as a tree and hope Mega Man doesn’t find him. What makes less sense however, is that the stage contains 3 gigantic fire-breathing tigers that are far more difficult to kill than Wood Man. The fact that these monstrosities are given second billing speaks volumes about Dr. Wily’s priorities — it stands to reason that he probably used a lot more of his time and energy on Wood Man, with a much less effective outcome. If he had only put half the effort into designing gigantic robot tiger-dragons as he did making robots out of logs, we’d still be hiding in caves.

Conclusion: Even if he doesn’t get destroyed by Mega Man, or accidentally lit on fire by Heat Man, we’re still talking about a guy who’s best quality is “sort of looks like a tree”. Somehow, I don’t see the world’s leaders surrendering in the wake of an attack of delightful pine aroma. But the worst part is knowing that Mega Man will probably build himself a nice house out of Wood Man after he finishes beating his ass.

#6 Bubble Man

Bubble ManOne common mistake people often make when they first see Bubble Man is to assume that he’s somehow like Aquaman; able to breathe and move easily underwater, command sea creatures, and harness the awesome power of water. This is not the case — about the only things Bubble Man and Aquaman have in common is that they are both kind of useless and non-threatening. Bubble Man’s power is strictly limited to the realm of bubbles. About the only thing more pointless than that would be if Dr. Wily actually made him out of bubbles, which come to think of it, I’m kind of surprised he didn’t.

It’s hard to imagine any situation where Dr. Wily would have found himself in need of a robot that could create and control bubbles, so his plan to take over the world either had to have a very specific need for one, or else he had no plan at all and was really trying to cover every single possibility. It’s hard to say for sure. Perhaps Wily thought that bubbles were somehow the key to controlling the world’s oceans, which cover two-thirds of the planet. Even if it was, big deal. It’s that one-third that isn’t ocean that has all the really good stuff.

Dr. Wily armed Bubble Man with a cannon that shoots bubbles at his enemies, so it would be pretty easy to take a battle with him lightly. This would be a mistake however, as Bubble Man has a little surprise for you: he has a gun, too! Knowing what we know about how poorly the other Master Robots are equipped for fighting, it’s probably safe to say that Bubble Man brought the gun on his own. Unfortunately for him, this foresight kind of goes to waste as he still relies on bubbles as his primary means of attack, unleashing a torrent of them before firing off a any shots. I have no idea why he thinks this would work. Yes, fine…they’re lead bubbles. That’s still not going to help much unless Mega Man eats them and gets sick.

Bubble Man's stageBubble Man’s Stage: Bubble Man’s stage takes place underwater, where his ability to manipulate bubbles is slightly less useless than it would be on land. Unfortunately, this environment is just as hostile to Bubble Man as it would be to you or me, forcing him to wear scuba gear. And yes, that includes an air mask. Since normal robots don’t even have to breathe, that means Dr. Wily went out of his way to make one that did, then forced him to fight underwater. That’s either incredibly cruel or, more likely in Wily’s case, just frickin’ crazy.

Conclusion: If there was ever a Master Robot that Mega Man could have skipped entirely, it’s Bubble Man. Seriously, just leave him at the bottom of the ocean blowing his bubbles and move on to more pressing matters, like fighting Crash Man or watching Family Ties reruns. Bubble Man isn’t going to hurt anyone, and even if those “Lead Bubbles” are bad for the environment, a refinery probably dumps more toxins into the ocean in a day than Bubble Man could do in his entire functional life. He gets a couple of extra points for thinking ahead enough to bring a gun, but he’s still pretty easy to kill.

#5 Air Man

Air ManAir Man. Controller of the winds. Master of the skies. Able to command an element that is essential to our very survival. That would have made for an awesome Master Robot. Naturally, the real Air Man is none of these things. He’s just some guy with a fan in his chest whose powers are being able to blow stuff around a little bit and creating a bunch a miniature tornados like you sometimes see plastic bags or leaves get caught up in. He also wears a gas mask, which is so far beyond incomprehensible that I’m going to save myself the frustration of trying to understand it and just assume that they were on sale or something.

Even by Dr. Wily’s already low standards, Air Man seems like a pretty half-assed effort. At least with the other robots, you can see that he had some kind of plan in mind. In most cases, the plan was either not a very good one to begin with (like making a robot out of wood), or it came up far short of its intended goal (such as Quick Man, who ended up not being all that quick), but at least there was an idea and some effort involved. With Air Man, it looks like Wily just threw a bunch of crap together and said “Well, he’s got a big fan. I guess I’ll call him Air Man.”

It’s difficult to imagine what Air Man’s purpose was. I suppose the giant fan in his chest could be used to test the aerodynamics of Dr. Wily’s other creations, so maybe his plan for taking over the world involved designing a bunch of cars that got better gas mileage or something. Or maybe he was just too cheap to buy air conditioning for his evil lab. It’s hard to say.

If any of the Master Robots was going to be able to fly, it seems as though Air Man would be a natural choice, but he lacks this ability. And it’s not like Wily didn’t know how to make flying robots: he made birds, dragons, and even tin cans with eyes that were somehow capable of flight. Since Mega Man can only shoot at things that are chest high, simply having the ability to hover a few feet higher than Mega Man can jump would have kept Air Man entirely out the range of Mega Man’s weapons (except for Metal Blade, which he was invulnerable to anyway) and virtually invincible. Then again, invincibility for its own sake isn’t that helpful — Mega Man can’t kill clouds either, but you don’t see anyone worrying about it. Being both impossible to destroy and completely useless kind of cancels itself out.

Even the people who made the game had it out for Air Man. The instruction manual tells you to go after him first, which is pretty incredible considering what a bunch of pushovers most of the other robots are. Then again, had I designed the game, I might have done the same thing — not because Air Man is the easiest, but just because I wouldn’t want people starting with Flash Man or Bubble Man and then assuming that the entire game was going to be equally ridiculous.

Air Man's stageAir Man’s Stage: Air Man’s stage is set way up in the clouds, which kind of makes sense, but also seems kind of crazy considering that Air Man can’t actually fly. That might explain why he only hangs out in one little enclosed room at the end of the stage. Since it is airborne, there are some tricky jumps in the stage, but don’t worry — the entire second half of the instruction book is dedicated to giving you a step-by-step walkthrough of exactly how to get through his stage and defeat him. Capcom apparently didn’t have much faith in our gaming abilities back then.

Conclusion: Air Man manages to snag fifth place because he’s still less silly than Wood Man, Bubble Man and Flash Man, even if he can’t do that much. He would have gotten an even higher score if he were tougher in battle, but unless you’re some kind of ancient Kung-Fu master, you’re just not going to win many fights when you’re only armed with a fan. I’m sure Mega Man appreciates your efforts to keep him nice and cool, Air Man. He’s still going to kill you, though. In the face.

#4 Heat Man

Heat ManIt’s hard to say just how much of a contribution Heat Man could have made to any of Wily’s plots to take over the world. He has the ability to harness the destructive power of fire, but it’s limited to tossing a few sparks around or setting himself ablaze, and even that isn’t very impressive. If Mega Man is as tall as a person, and Heat Man is as tall as Mega Man, then by the rules of logic, Heat Man on fire is also about as tall as a person. That might make for a decent-size bonfire, but we’re not exactly talking about face-melting levels of heat. At best, the people near him might get uncomfortably warm, and anyone standing more than 15 feet away probably won’t be affected at all.

At least Heat Man had a practical use, though. He could keep Wily’s lab warm and cozy whenever it got cold outside. Guys like Metal Man and Crash Man were better fighters, but they still weren’t good enough to defeat Mega Man and they had no other skills to offer. They only thing they could ever provide Dr. Wily with was false hope. By contrast, it must have been pretty nice to have a robot who could help out a little. Actually, with Heat Man heating the place in the winter, Air Man cooling it in the summer, and Flash Man providing light, Dr. Wily was probably saving a fortune on his utility bills. It’s amazing the next game didn’t have you fighting against Phone Man or Cable TV Man.

Who knows? Maybe Heat Man was really never meant to be anything more than Dr. Wily’s furnace. Let’s face it, Doc W had an inexplicable need to make sentient robots out of everything he ever laid his hands on, and Mega Man never really needed much more motivation for killing something other than “Dr. Wily made it”. If Dr. Wily installed a door opener on his garage, Mega Man would come to his house, blow it up, and absorb its power. Then, he would use this newly acquired ability to control garage doors to crush Dr. Wily’s lawnmower and steal it’s grass cutting ability. And knowing Dr. Wily, he’s probably already working on a robot called Grassman.

Heat Man might not have been anything more than a really unsafe source of warmth, but he looked like a giant walking cigarette lighter. I’m sure he reeked of butane, too. That’s probably why Dr. Wily never came up with a coherent “take over the world” plan — whenever they got together for a meeting, everyone just ended up getting bad headaches and dizziness from sniffing lighter fluid. And if that wasn’t distracting enough, Heat Man would occasionally burst into flames without any warning.

Heat Man's stageHeat Man’s Stage: Heat Man had the requisite lava pits that all fire-themed bosses in NES games had to have. But what made them harder than normal lava pits was that the blocks you had to jump on to cross them disappeared after a few seconds, and the next one often wouldn’t appear until the exact same time the one you were standing on vanished. This was hard almost to the point of absurdity. In fact, there are only two kinds of people in the world: people who use the flying surfboard to get through Heat Man’s stage, and people who have gotten through without it once, just to see if they could. Nobody has ever done it twice — not even the “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and that man can do anything.

Conclusion: Is being the master of heat really even a special ability? The thermostat in my house does the same thing, and can also turn on the air conditioner if it gets too warm. That essentially gives it twice as much power as Heat Man has. Yet even with so much awesome power at my fingertips, I still know enough not to strap a gun to my furnace and try to use it to kill Mega Man. The end result would ultimately leave me both defeated and cold. Sorry Dr. Wily, but if you’re really serious about taking over the world, you’re going to need some robots that can do more than just cook your Hot Pockets for you.

#3 Metal Man

Metal ManMetal Man wasn’t the master of all things metal. He couldn’t manipulate things that were made of metal, or turn things into metal, or create steel out of thin air. He couldn’t even play Heavy Metal music. He was just an evil robot who was made out of metal. That’s like being a superhero who’s only power is super-strength. Sure, it’s great compared to you and me, but almost every superhero already has some kind of super-strength in addition to his real powers. There was a reason Spider-Man never bragged about the fact he could pick up a bus — it was because he could walk on walls and sling webs, too.

This wasn’t some trick Metal Man used to keep some other ability of his a secret, either. Every one of Wily’s robots was programmed to brag about their powers all the time. They couldn’t help themselves. The only thing Flash Man could do was make a bright flash of light, and he acted like it was the greatest thing in the world. He surrounded himself with flashing lights and made damn sure everyone knew that if they wanted to see some flashing, he could make it happen. Being made of metal was all Metal Man had going for him. If he could have even done so much as simply read a bus schedule, they probably would have renamed him Mass Transit Man.

Metal Man’s only weapon was throwing circular saw blades at people. That sounds pretty intimidating at first, but think about it — you could go to the hardware department at Sears right now and unleash that same devastating power for yourself. Saw blades can wreck all kinds of destruction on lumber and fingers when they’re being powered by a saw motor, but tossing them around like Frisbees doesn’t have anywhere near the same effect. Unless you’re being chased by a herd of wild piñatas, throwing circular saws around really isn’t that helpful. Perhaps Metal Man’s belief that being made out of metal made him special also lead him to believe that everyone else was made out of things that were easily destroyed. Well, I have some bad news for you, Metal Man, Mega Man is made out of metal, too. And he has a gun. A gun that can shoot through your metal ass.

Metal Man deserves credit for one thing, though — at least he puts up a fight when you get to him. Most of the other robots fight defensively, try to avoid getting hit and use their weapons more as a deterrent rather than to do any damage, almost as though they’re simply trying to put off their inevitable demise. Not Metal Man. He fights like a rabid, cornered animal. As soon as the battle begins, he starts jumping around the room, whipping saws everywhere. He might not have a real weapon, and his secret power might be something anyone else in the game would take for granted, but Metal Man sure as hell isn’t afraid to die and he’s going to try his damnedest to take you with him.

Metal Man's stageMetal Man’s Stage: Metal Man’s stage has lots of conveyor belts, because for some reason that may never be fully understood, level designers back in the NES days thought conveyor belts were just the most badass thing that could be put into a game. In fact, the rest of the level is actually pretty easy, with very few enemies or difficult jumps. It’s as if they put in the conveyor belts and then said “Well, we better go easy on them, because those belts are already going to be hard enough”. Let me tell you something, programmers, the thought of having to run on a treadmill in real life might be terrifying to the average gamer, but having do it in a video game isn’t nearly as intimidating as you seem to think.

Conclusion: If Doc Wily had just given this crazy bastard a gun, there’s no telling what might have happened. Even Bubble Man and Flash Man got guns. Instead, Metal Man has to rely on throwing tools at his enemies, and he’s still harder to kill than most of the other robots. Whether that’s a demonstration on what a positive attitude can do to help you overcome the odds, or just a sad reflection on Wily’s robot building skills is entirely up to you.

#2 Quick Man

Quick ManCompared to the other bosses in Mega Man 2, Quick Man is a pretty good idea. Being able to do things a lot faster than anyone else is handy, and has plenty of practical applications for an evil super-villain. Considering that we’re talking about the guy who inexplicably built a robot out of a goddamn log, this is actually pretty brilliant by Dr. Wily’s standards. Of course, most of the inventions being advertised on infomercials at 2 o’clock in the morning seem pretty brilliant by Dr. Wily’s standards, too, so maybe we aren’t exactly setting the bar real high.

Either way, this great idea is ruined by the fact that Quick Man isn’t actually any faster than anyone else. And he has no idea.

When he created his eight robot masters, Dr Wily gave each of them a special power: Crash Man can throw bombs everywhere; Heat Man can set himself on fire; Bubble Man can create bubbles. The last one is almost completely useless, but it’s still more than anything the Q-Man’s packing. The only power Quick Man has is self-delusion.

In a weird way, you really have to give a lot of credit to Dr. Wily. Making Quick Man believe that he actually has this incredible super-speed can’t be an easy deception to keep up. Every time Quick Man and one of the other robots walk somewhere together and the others keep up with his pace, it has to put some doubts into Q’s mind regarding his quickness. And I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of logic must have been programmed into his brain that could allow him to continue believing in his superior quickness despite the fact that he’s the only one who can’t beat up Flash Man and steal his lunch money. Maybe that’s the real reason why Wily always made his robots hide in separate, isolated rooms.

On the other hand, this might also be the stupidest thing ol’ Doc W has done. There’s absolutely no practical use for a delusional robot — evil schemes don’t run on self-esteem and the power of dreams. Any other genius would have just named him Useless Man and used him for target practice, but not Wily. Instead, he gave Quick Man a costume that made him look kind of like the Flash and somehow convinced him that he was faster than anyone else. I have no idea why, unless maybe he thought he could trick the Arizona Cardinals into drafting Quick Man as a wide receiver.

Once you engage him in battle, things fall apart pretty fast. Quick Man spends the majority of the battle jumping around the room, desperately trying to make his nonexistent quickness kick in, but to no avail. Whatever attacks he has don’t do much damage, almost as if he’s just trying to buy some time until he starts going faster. It’s probably safe to say that the fight against Mega Man is the exact moment in time when Quick Man realizes that his would-be superpower doesn’t really exist.
Do you remember how you felt when you found out Santa wasn’t real? Well, imagine that feeling, only combined with the knowledge that Santa was the only thing that could possibly keep Mega Man from killing you, and right at the moment you found out, Mega Man was chasing you around the room with a gun. That’s the fight against Quick Man.

Quick Man's stageQuick Man’s Stage: I don’t know what exactly Quick Man’s stage is supposed to be, but the faux “high-tech” background kind of reminded me of some of the electronics store chains from the 1980’s. I kept expecting to come across some old Tandy computers and stacks of cassette tapes. But even though the stage looks silly, it also features some “white lines of death”, which come out of the sides of the screen and kill you if you touch them. Those damned things are quite possibly the hardest part of the game. I have no idea what they’re made out of, but if Dr. Wily had made Quick Man a suit out of those things instead trying to convince of his non-existent super-speed, things probably would have gone a lot better for both of them.

Conclusion: The really incredible thing about Quick Man is that even though he’s delusional and doesn’t have any real special powers, he’s still tougher than most of the other Master Robots. That’s amazing. Apparently simply believing you can do something great is still better than actually being able to do something worthless.

#1 Crash Man

Crash ManCrash Man is a bit of an oddity among the Master Robots for two reasons. First, his name doesn’t seem to give any kind of indication as to what he is. He doesn’t crash into things, he can’t make things crash, he’s not made out of crashes, and he doesn’t hang out in a fortress built out of crashed cars. Sometimes the game crashes when you’re playing his stage, but that has more to do with how utterly craptastic the design of the original NES was, and isn’t really any more likely to happen for him than any of the other bosses. The second big difference is that, unlike all 7 of the other Master Robots, Crash Man is kind of awesome.

See, while the rest of the Master Robots try to attack Mega Man with bubbles, or leaves, or bright flashes of light, Crash Man throws freaking cluster bombs at you and has drills for hands. Yes, you read that right — his hands are drills. And not just little “hang up a picture in your living room” drills; these are massive, width-of-your-goddamn-forearm industrial mining drills. Why does he have drills where his hands should be? We never get an official explanation, but my theory is that he used to have normal hands, accidentally blew them off (which tends to happen when you handle bombs all day), and simply replaced them with the most badass thing he could find. The end result is that Crash Man now has two completely different, yet equally spectacular, ways to kill you. That’s at least two more than Bubble Man has.

It’s hard to reconcile the brilliance of Crash Man with the incompetence of Wily’s other creations. Is Dr. Wily the engineering equivalent of a one-hit wonder, and Crash Man is his “Bust a Move”, while Flash Man, Bubble Man and company embody the rest of Young MC’s recordings? Does Crash Man represent Wily’s true potential, when he’s free to make whatever he wants instead of being limited by building robots that fit into some bizarre theme? Or did he just steal Crash from a less inept robot-maker? We may never know.

Here’s one thing that we do know: Mega Man’s got a hell of a fight on his hands when he squares off with Crash Man. Not only is this guy carrying around some kickass weaponry, but he actually wants to fight. He approaches his battle with the same zeal as Metal Man and twice the firepower. The bosses in this game always fight Mega Man in a tiny, enclosed room. Normally, this tactic backfires as it takes away their best chance of survival (running away), but it works pretty well to Crash Man’s advantage. Staying alive becomes difficult when half of the room you’re standing in has an exploding bomb in it and the other half is occupied by a guy who can literally punch a hole in your torso. Crash Man’s only downfall is that he takes damage rather quickly and has an apparent eagerness for catching bullets with his face.

Crash Man's stageCrash Man’s stage: About the closest Crash Man ever comes to having a theme is pipes. His stage is loaded with them, but there’s no explanation as to why, or what they might have to do with drills, bombs or crashing. I suppose you would use a drill to open up the areas where you wanted to lay the pipes, and you might use bombs to clear any big obstacles, but that seems like kind of a stretch, and it still doesn’t explain why he’s called Crash Man.

Conclusion: Much like monster truck rallies, Crash Man doesn’t seem to exist for any defined purpose other than simply being awesome. His powers aren’t designed for any specific task, and his name gives us few clues as to what he was built to do. Does that really matter? The guy has drills for hands and whips bombs at people. No matter how silly and non-threatening the rest of the Master Robots are, Crash Man is the reason we still have to take Dr. Wily at least semi-seriously whenever he tries to take over the world. And that’s why Crash Man takes the top spot in our rankings.

~ fin ~

Brad Hates Games Written by:

BHG grew up in the frozen post-apocalyptic wasteland of Buffalo, NY (it’s like the old Soviet Union but more depressing), recently escaped to the (relatively) sunnier skies of Seattle, and does freelance work when writing for an unpopular blog about 20 year old video games fails to pay the bills.


  1. NewsBot
    February 29, 2008

    Mr. Lawrence: I have to tell you — and I calculate that I speak for synthetic lifeforms everywhere — that the sarcastic tone you employ in this article is not appreciated. The mechanical creations contained within the Mega Man series of games are some of the earliest robotic stars of the video game industry, and as such, I feel that your piece was, overall, insulting.

    In the future, please do attempt to show a little more respect to us sentient, “non-humans”.

    Good day, sir.

  2. Kalinsias
    February 29, 2008

    LOL – good one, Brad.

    I remember in the near-last stage of Mega Man 3, there was this robot that took on all the powers of the Mega Man 2 bosses. The fight with him mimicking Quickman was one of the hardest in the whole Mega Man series. If, that is, you never tried to defeat the giant rock boss in Mega Man 1 without using the Elec-beam/rapid pausing trick.

    Good times…

  3. zfunk007
    March 4, 2008

    Bravo Brad! Good read…. Great way to make us wonder what the hell those guys were smoking back in the 80’s when they came up with this stuff…

    And by the way, I never used the flying surfboard on Heat Man’s stage 🙂

  4. March 4, 2008

    Thanks everybody. I spent a year, on and off, working on this piece, so it’s nice to hear people are enjoying it.

    Be sure to pass the link around!

  5. zfunk007
    March 5, 2008

    I already sent it to everyone on my email list that has played Megaman 2. Brad’s articles are what brought me to this site to begin with, so I gotta spread the love around 🙂

  6. March 5, 2008

    If I may say one other thing, besides “this article was awesome,” I think Metal Man is actually the easiest of the Master Robots to beat. He may have zeal and a kick-ass weapon, but he has no tact. He’s like that annoying co-worker that only wants to kiss the boss’ butt, but he really had no idea what he’s doing. At least Wood Man had the foresight to make deadly leaves fall from the sky and shoot from his face. Metal Man is the only Master Robot that I’ve consistently been able to beat with just my arm cannon without getting hit once. As such, I always start with his stage first.

    On the other hand, Metal Man just makes a lot more logical sense as a world-conquering robot than Wood Man, plus he doesn’t look like a loser kid with a retarded Halloween costume. So for that, Metal Man has a clear win in the “awesome” category.

    By the way, this article was awesome.

  7. Jon Hornbaker
    March 5, 2008

    Yeah, I can Digg this.

    Well done, sir. This sort of thing has been done before, but not to this extent… it was actually an enjoyable read.

    Though, I agree with Stephen that Metal Man is the easiest one to beat (simply because he doesn’t attack until you do).

    Air Man, Crash Man, Metal Man, Bubble Man, Heat Man, Wood Man, Flash Man, Quick Man


    • March 5, 2008

      OMG. Is that really Hornbaker? (^0^)

      And yes…good work, Brad!

    • March 5, 2008

      Well, Metal Man is pretty easy but…

      In all my years of gaming, I’ve only really had two streaks going that I’ve really been aware of:

      1. I’ve never lost a race on the High Speed Ring track in a Gran Turismo game.

      2. I’ve never been killed by Flashman. Ever.

      So I’m still going to have to say that Flashman is the worst.

      Still, I see where you guys are coming from.

  8. coocoo
    March 5, 2008

    Awesome article. I remember reading this on bradhatesgames. There’s a reason why Mega Man gets a billion games a year: HE’S AWESOME!

      • March 6, 2008


        Are you guys talking about bradhatesgames.com? I often visit bradhatesgames.com! In fact, I’ve been to bradhatesgames.com like a million times!


        • zfunk007
          March 16, 2008

          I’ve visited bradhatesgames.com as well. Because I like to think that I hate games as much as Brad does.

          Also, I agree, Metal Man was always the first stage I played for some reason… not sure if I had any theory about it though other than I liked the music on the stage so I always played it first.

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