Metal Gear Solid: The Play!

Metal Gear 1: Snake, alone and armed only with a pack of cigarettes, infiltrates a military base. He punches some guards, rides in the back of some trucks and fights a tank. Then he punches some dogs and rides in a few more trucks. Guards chase him around buildings in a comical, ‘Benny Hill Show’ manner. Eventually, Snake uncovers and destroys Metal Gear.

[Into his radio] Big Boss, I have destroyed Metal Gear. Mission Accomplished.

You asshole! I needed that!

Huh?

I’m the leader of the terrorists.

But you’re the one who sent me to destroy Metal Gear.

It was all just part of an elaborate plot to spread misinformation. I was counting on you to fail. Didn’t you think it was weird that I sent you alone on this critical mission, armed with nothing except for a pack of cigarettes?

I figured I was supposed to trade them for weapons. Even so, wouldn’t it have made more sense to tell me to just gather info, or to steal Metal Gear, rather than to destroy it?

Hmmm… yeah, that would have been better now that I think about it. I’ll have to remember that for next time.

Next time?

Yes. Metal Gear is the ultimate weapon. I must build it again.

Are you serious? Trying to rebuild the “ultimate weapon” after its been destroyed never works. Didn’t you see Return of the Jedi?

Several years pass, leading up to Metal Gear 2. Big Boss builds another Metal Gear, which Snake also destroys. Then Snake kills Big Boss. We don’t know a lot of the details, though, because the game never came out in America.

I must find a copy of Metal Gear 2 and play it at all costs! I must know exactly what happened!

Wait, isn’t Snake’s Revenge the sequel to Metal Gear?

Die heathen scum! [attacks normal, non-crazy gamers]