Metal Gear Solid: The Play! (Act III)

Snake has been captured and knocked unconscious. When he wakes up, he is tied to a table. Liquid Snake and Revolver Ocelot are in the room.

Remember, Ocelot, I want him alive. No more using reverse psychology like on the DARPA Chief.

Fine. (pauses) Say, it looks like he’s awake.

Indeed. (To Snake) Do you recognize me, brother?

For the first time, we actually see Liquid Snake. He looks exactly like Solid Snake, except he has a goatee.

I’m your evil twin, Snake. And Big Boss is our dad.

Suddenly, Liquid Snake’s cellphone starts playing his “Get Low” ringtone.

Oh, sorry. I’ve got to take this. (Answers phone) Hey, it’s me. What’s up, Raven? They still won’t give us Big Boss’ remains, huh? Then we’ll launch the nuke as planned. (He hangs up). Sorry about that.

Big Boss’ remains?

We need his DNA. I’ll explain it to you later. Ocelot, I’ve got to leave for a while. I’m going to leave Snake with you. Don’t kill him like you did the DARPA Chief.

What should I do if that crazy ninja shows up?

I don’t know, hide under something and hope he goes away, I guess. Be careful – Mantis is dead, and we still don’t know what killed the Armstech President or Decoy Octopus.

Wait, Decoy Octopus is dead and we never even saw him? Couldn’t you think up a cool boss fight for a master of disguise?

(the Metal Gear Solid Lead Designer shakes his head sadly) No.

Liquid leaves.

Alright Snake, we’re going to play a little game. The first thing you should know is that Meryl is still alive. But whether or not she lives is up to you. I’m going to torture you. You can stop it at any time, but if you do, I’ll kill the woman.

Wait, don’t you want any information or anything?

Nah.

Ok then, I give up.

But we didn’t even start yet.

I’m not really a big torture fan.

What about the woman?

First of all, there’s no reason to believe you that she’s really alive. There’s also no reason to believe that you wouldn’t kill her even if I did everything you said. And finally, even if she was alive, and you didn’t kill her – she’s been shot at least 4 times. We’re on an island with no medical facilities or doctors. How long is she going to last? She might have already died while we were in here.

The genome soldiers could treat her wounds. They’re not doctors per se, but I’m sure they could figure it out – each one of them has an IQ of at least 180.

The Genome soldiers are idiots. I used a cardboard box to hide from some of them.

Revolver releases Snake from interrogation and he is put into a cell. The DARPA Chief’s body is there.

(on his radio) Colonel, the body of the DARPA Chief is here.

Really? Maybe you should check it for the keycard like I told you to before.

It’s weird. He looks like he’s been dead for days. He’s decomposing and stuff.

But he only died a few hours ago. It doesn’t make sense.

Hmmm…the Chief looks like he’s been dead for awhile, yet I saw him have a sudden, unexpected heart attack only hours ago. And before, Liquid yelled at Ocelot for killing the Chief before they could get his password, which I had a psychic vision of. Oh, and the ArmsTech President said that they could have gotten the Chief’s password the way the Chief said they did. Also, Liquid Snake mentioned that Decoy Octopus, who could impersonate anyone, has died mysteriously since I first arrived here. Apparently, he died in a way similar to the Armstech President…

…who died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack. It’s all so mysterious.

Mysterious? You morons! Decoy Octopus was impersonating the Chief when you saw him. Even I figured that one out, and I stopped paying attention a few hours ago.

I guess I’ll keep looking for those keycards, then.

No, you idiot! The keycards are how they’re going to trick you into launching the nuke for them. Jeez, I could save the world right now if I just let Snake die.

Hideo is such a genius.

Snake calls Otacon to help him break out of prison. Shortly afterward, the guard, who is a genetically enhanced, elite super-soldier with an IQ over 180, comically has to go to the bathroom and leaves Snake completely unwatched. Otacon arrives wearing a suit that can make him invisible.

Here, I brought you a bottle of ketchup… for some reason.

Uh, thanks. Now get me out of here.

I don’t have the key.

You’ll have to take out the guard when he comes back.

I can’t do that! I’ll be killed!

Dude, you have a suit that makes you invisible. Just turn invisible and hit him over the head with something heavy.

Sorry.

He runs away.

Hmm, maybe I can trick the guard into thinking this ketchup is blood.

Snake breaks the bottle and lays down in a puddle of ketchup. The guard returns from the bathroom.

Oooh! Delicious ketchup!

The guard grabs a handful of french fries and runs into Snake’s cell. Snake jumps up and kills him.

Well, I guess that worked.

Snake escapes from his cell and makes his way inside the communications tower, where he meets up with Otacon. They have a long, boring conversation about love on the battlefield. Then Snake goes onto the roof of the tower. Suddenly, he is attacked by Liquid Snake in a helicopter!

Now you’re going to die!

Liquid, who apparently received his helicopter training from the same people who taught Imperial Stormtroopers how to shoot accurately, blows up everything on the rooftop except Snake. Snake then shoots down Liquid’s state-of-the-art gunship with a Stinger missile, a weapon best known for being the anti-aircraft missile of choice for third-world militias during the early 1980s.

(As the helicopter is crashing) But I still haven’t told you my life story!

Christ, that means he’s not really dead.

Snake climbs down the communications tower and begins to make his way across a snowfield. Sniper Wolf is there and they fight again. Snake wins. As he crosses the snowfield, he finds her, lying in a pool of blood.

Snake, I’ve been shot in the lung. I cannot be saved. Please just finish me off quick.

(whips out gun) Ok.

But first, let me tell you my life story.

(holsters gun) Dammit!

Sniper Wolf tells a lengthy tale about being a Kurd, becoming a sniper, meeting Big Boss, and how she was waiting to die her whole life. Apparently, being shot in the lung does not hinder her ability to ramble on for 30 minutes. As she finishes, Otacon arrives.

Wolf? No! I loved you.

Really? We only met like a day ago, and we haven’t really spent much time together. In fact, the only time we did talk, you were staring at my cleavage the entire time.

(distracted) Huh? Oh um, sorry – I was thinking about, uh… something else for a second.

Well, to be fair to Otacon, it’s impossible not to notice your cleavage. The way you’re dressed, you really ought to be called Sniper Whore.

Yeah, the thing is, we didn’t pack any changes of clothes with us, and then the zipper on the front of my jumpsuit broke.

Aren’t you freezing? We’re outdoors in the middle of Alaska, and you’ve got the twins out for a walk.

Look, are you gonna finish me or not?

Oh yeah, sorry.

One last thing…

(sighs) Now what?

Can I have my gun?

Otacon runs over and picks up Sniper Wolf’s rifle and is about to hand it to her.

(Stopping him.) Whoa! You almost gave someone who was just trying to kill us a loaded gun! Are you really that stupid?

Snake shoots Sniper Wolf in the face, killing her. Otacon acts like an over-emotional teenage girl for a while, and then he and Snake split up.