Metal Gear Solid: The Play! (Act II)

Prologue        Act I        Act II        Act III        Act IV

Act II: Snake & Meryl

After searching, Snake finds Meryl in the ladies room.

Snake I need those keycards.

MerylOk, but first let me tell you my life story.

Snake What? No, we have a deadline…

Meryl begins talking about how she became a soldier to understand her father better, and about how she wasn’t like other girls. Then she talks about being a rookie, and being scared. Snake gives her short, agreeable responses every time she pauses to encourage her to shut up, but she doesn’t take the hint. Instead, she talks about guns for a while, which ends up being the only part of the conversation Snake seems genuinely interested in.

Snake (looks at watch) Are you done yet? We need to stop a nuclear launch sometime today.

Meryl Yeah, I’m done. Here’s the keycard.

Snake Wait, I was told there were three.

Meryl This is all I’ve got. Did you check the bodies of the DARPA Chief and the Armstech President?

Snake No.

Meryl I guess we’ll just have to destroy Metal Gear then. Follow me.

They leave to find Metal Gear. Before long, they reach the Commander’s Room, where Meryl begins acting strangely.

Meryl Snake, I love you. Kiss me, Snake!

Snake No! (He punches her and knocks her unconscious. Psycho Mantis appears.)

Mantis Now you see the power of my psychokinesis!

Snake That’s your power? Turning Meryl into a slut? No offense, but I could have done that with a couple of wine coolers.

Mantis You doubt my power? I will prove it to you by searching your memory card for save files of other Konami games.

Snake Um, ok.

Mantis Ah… I see you’ve played Contra: Legacy of War. I… I’m so incredibly sorry.

Snake Yeah, me too.

Mantis You like Suikoden, don’t you?

Snake No, that’s my little brother.

Mantis Oh. What else… hmmm… I’m getting a vision… it’s something red… a car, perhaps?

Snake No…

Mantis No, wait! It’s not a car, it’s… a boat… no, bird…

Snake (excited) Is it the Arizona Cardinals logo? They’re my favorite football team.

Mantis Yes! It is the Arizona Cardinals. Hmmm, I see much misery in their future.

Snake Wow, you really must be psychic… Or have watched football sometime in the last 60 years.

Mantis And now I will use tarot cards to see into your future…

Snake Uh, that’s ok, I believe you. We can just fight now.

They fight. Psycho Mantis uses a lot of tricks, like making it look like the TV changed channels. Snake is doing very poorly when Colonel Campbell calls.

Campbell Snake, he’s reading your mind. Use your player 2 controller to beat him.

Metal Gear Fanboys Wow! I love the way this game constantly breaks the “4th wall” by talking about stuff in the real world, outside of the game.

Non-Crazy Gamers Yes, and I love the way it forces me to use my shitty 2nd controller that normally only gets used when my buddies come over to play Madden!

Using Campbell’s secret technique, Snake defeats Mantis. Meryl regains consciousness. Psycho Mantis lays on the floor, mortally wounded.

Mantis I… I don’t have much time… come closer. I need to tell you something before I die.

Snake and Meryl approach.

Snake What is it? Can you tell me how to stop the launch?

Mantis No. I need to… I need to tell you my life’s story.

Non-Crazy Gamers Dammit! Not again!

Psycho Mantis begins a long-winded recollection of his childhood, his own hatred of humanity, and how both Big Boss and Snake are beings of pure evil. Meryl and Snake listen to him with looks of disgust and boredom, respectively.

Metal Gear Fanboys This game is so deep. Now that I understand Psycho Mantis, I don’t hate him so much.

Non-Crazy Gamers (browsing through a magazine) Huh? Oh, um yeah, I guess so. Are they done talking yet? I wanna sneak up on some more guards.

Snake Are you done yet? You’ve been talking for about 10 minutes now.

Mantis One last thing… (He talks so that Meryl can’t hear them) Snake, I was able to put my thoughts directly into the woman’s mind.

Snake What did you do to her?

Mantis I made it so she thinks you have herpes.

Snake What?

Mantis Ha ha! Serves you right for killing me. (He dies)

Snake and Meryl make their way to the communications tower. Suddenly, a sniper shoots Meryl in the leg! She falls, while Snake bravely dives for cover.

Snake Meryl!

Meryl Ow. My leg.

Snake Are you ok?

Meryl Yeah, I’ll be alright.

The sniper shoots Meryl in the other leg.

Meryl Ow! Dammit!

Snake Meryl!

Meryl I’m ok. Just give me some rations and I’ll be fine.

She begins to crawl toward Snake, the sniper shoots her in the arm.

Meryl Hey! That’s starting to piss me off now.

Meryl gives the Sniper the finger. The Sniper shoots her finger.

Snake Stop encouraging the sniper!

Meryl It’s too late for me, Snake. I guess I might as well start telling you my life story while I die.

Snake You already told me.

Meryl Well then, I’ll start a lengthy philosophical discussion about love and what it means to be a soldier.

Snake Screw this, I’m going find a sniper rifle and save you.

Snake leaves to find a sniper rifle. Colonel Campbell calls.

Campbell Snake, thank you for saving Meryl.

Snake You don’t have to thank me Colonel. I’m just sick of listening to everyone’s goddamn philosophy lectures.

Snake finds a rifle and returns, but Meryl is gone. The sniper is not, however. They fight and Snake wins. As he approaches the communications tower, guards drop in on him and he is captured.

Guard I can’t believe how easy that was!

Non-Crazy Gamers Yeah, seriously. What the hell Snake? Just punch them and run away like normal.

Snake is knocked unconscious.


Prologue        Act I        Act II        Act III        Act IV
Brad Hates Games Written by:

BHG grew up in the frozen post-apocalyptic wasteland of Buffalo, NY (it’s like the old Soviet Union but more depressing), recently escaped to the (relatively) sunnier skies of Seattle, and does freelance work when writing for an unpopular blog about 20 year old video games fails to pay the bills.

Be First to Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *