Metal Gear Solid: The Play! (Act I)

Snake is being briefed on his mission by Colonel Campbell.

Terrorists have taken over a nuclear weapons storage facility on Shadow Moses Island. We need you to infiltrate the island, rescue the DARPA chief and the President of Armstech, and determine whether or not the terrorists can actually launch a nuclear weapon.

Ok.

We’re not giving you any guns, since our intel shows that they’ve left a lot of weaponry carelessly laying around in the open.

They sound like a bunch of amateurs.

Not at all Snake. These are no ordinary terrorists — they are genome soldiers who were genetically altered to be the perfect warriors. Each has an IQ over 180, is in peak physical condition, and has had extensive training. They are also being led by members of FOX-HOUND.

FOX-HOUND? My old unit?

Yes, each one of them has their own silly name and a special talent of questionable usefulness. You must be very careful.

Snake begins his mission. He infiltrates to the perimeter of the base and helps himself to weapons that have been carelessly left laying around. Suddenly, he is spotted by two guards!

An intruder! What should we do?

Let’s let him punch us in the face!

They do. Snake punches them to death, and then hides in a truck to avoid the other guards.

We’ve been looking for 30 seconds and haven’t seen the intruder. Let’s give up.

Yes, and we’ll pretend this never happened. (They leave)

(On his radio) Colonel, I think I might be in the wrong base.

What makes you think that?

Well, you said these guys were the perfect soldiers, and geniuses too, right?

Yes, every genome soldier has an IQ over 180. And they’ve been genetically altered with “soldier genes”.

Well these guys are complete idiots. I think the only danger we’re in is that they might accidentally nuke themselves.

Just finish your mission, Snake.

Snake makes his way inside the building, and easily gets past a few more guards. He then climbs into the air ducts and makes his way into the DARPA Chief’s prison cell.

Snake, you must destroy Metal Gear.

Metal Gear?

Yes, Metal Gear. The most dangerous weapon in the history of mankind.

That I’ve already destroyed twice… Single-handedly. Both times before it was actually able to do anything.

Yes. Metal Gear is so incredibly dangerous that people will keep trying to build it, even though you seem to have no trouble destroying them.

Why?

Because Metal Gear could launch a nuclear weapon from anywhere in the world. Instead of needing long range missiles, you would just have to move Metal Gear itself closer to the intended target.

Haven’t nuclear submarines been able to do that since the 1960’s?

Well, I guess so. Nevertheless, the power of Metal Gear is so incredible that we decided to try to make another one.

Seriously?

Yes.

Am I really the only person in the world who’s ever seen Return of the Jedi?

Was that the one where Leia wore the gold bikini? That part was awesome!

Yeah, I guess. Look, can the terrorists launch a nuke or not? I thought those things were password-protected.

They are. But Psycho Mantis already found out my password.

You talked?

I didn’t mean to. But Psycho Mantis used reverse psychology on me. He said “Hey DARPA Chief, I don’t want you to tell me your password,” and I fell for it and told him. It’s only a matter of time before he tricks the ArmsTech President and gets his password, too.

Then they’ll be able to launch a nuke?

Yes, but there is still a way to stop them. The ArmsTech President has 3 keycards. You can use those to override the launch. You must retrieve them and… urrrrrggh!

The Chief dies of a heart attack.

(on radio) Colonel, I have some bad news.

What is it Snake?

The DARPA chief just died of a heart attack.

That sucks. Did the terrorists get his password?

Yeah.

Then you’re going to have to find the ArmsTech President before they get his password, too.

Well, there’s a problem. See, I kinda dropped into his prison cell through the ventilation ducts and…

And now you can’t get out.

Kinda, yeah.

You’re an idiot, Snake.

The woman in the cell next door, Meryl, overpowers the guard and escapes her cell. As she leaves, she opens the door to Snake’s cell.

That was convenient.

They begin to escape together. Suddenly, Snake has a psychic vision.

Three men are standing around a dead body.

You idiot! You killed him.

Sorry boss. I was just doing what you said.

I said use reverse psychology on him. You just kept punching him in the face and yelling “Give me your password!”

I wasn’t able to read his mind and get his password before he died.

Great. Now we’ll never get that detonation code. Nice going guys! Do you even know what reverse psychology is?

I should probably just ignore that.

Snake sneaks through the base until he finds the ArmsTech President tied to a pillar rigged with explosives. As he tries to free the president, Revolver Ocelot walks into the room.

A trap?! You’re one of the Fox-Hound guys, aren’t you?

Yes. I’m Revolver Ocelot, and I’m really good at twirling my gun. (He does some impressive gun-twirling.)

Is that it?

What, you’re not impressed?

Well, don’t get me wrong – your gun-twirling is very good. It’s just… not that useful for a terrorist.

We’ll see about that!

They begin fighting. Suddenly a ninja appears, cuts off Ocelot’s hand, and disappears.

Wait, why is there a ninja? That didn’t make any sense.

A ninja! Awesome!

My hand! Now I can’t play the banjo!

Revolver Ocelot leaves. Snake tends to the president.

Do the terrorists know your password?

Yeah, Psycho Mantis tricked me.

Reverse psychology, huh?

No, they don’t know how to use reverse psychology. What they did was they sent me a fake email posing as an exiled member of the Nigerian royalty, and asked for my password. I thought if I told him, I’d get some of the royal money.

Are you sure they don’t know how to use reverse psychology? That’s how the DARPA Chief said they got his password.

You must have heard him wrong. These guys think it involves punching someone in the face until they die.

Well anyway, they have both passwords now. I’ll need the keycards to stop the launch.

Oh, sorry. I gave them to Meryl. I was trying to impress her.

Is there any other way to stop the launch?

Maybe. You should go see Hal Emmerich, he’ll know what to… uurrrrghh!

The Armstech President dies of a heart attack.

Dammit! (gets on his radio) Colonel, the ArmsTech President just had a heart attack!

Yeah, you told me about that like 10 minutes ago.

That was the DARPA Chief. The President of ArmsTech just had one too.

Jesus Christ, Snake! This is the last time I send you on a rescue mission. What the hell are you doing, feeding them quarter-pounders and macaroni and cheese, and then scaring them?

Sorry, Colonel.

Nevermind. Did they get his password, too?

Yeah. The ol’ Nigerian royalty scam.

Damn. You’re going to need to override the launch with the keycard, then. Did he give it to you?

No, he said he gave it to Meryl.

Ok. You should check the body to be sure, though.

No need. He said he gave it to Meryl.

He might have lied, though. He didn’t know he could trust you. At least check his pockets.

Nah.

Snake makes his way to Hal’s laboratory. When he arrives, the ninja is there. They fight. After a while, the ninja falls down.

I was totally letting you win! (Runs away)

Whatever. (Turns to Hal) I need information on Metal Gear. Can it launch a nuclear missile?

That’s not what I built it for. Although I suppose it could… Oh no!

What?

Hal starts whining about how he never intended to build a weapon, and how his family is cursed with nuclear weapons, and how he only wanted to help people. This goes on for quite some time.

Are you done yet? I need to know if Metal Gear has nuclear capabilities.

Yes. Oh, I’m such a fool. I wanted to help people, and instead I created something that can launch a nuclear missile from anywhere on the planet.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, submarines have been able to launch nuclear missiles since the 60s. And the planet is mostly ocean, so they can go a lot more places Metal Gear can. If you think about it, Metal Gear isn’t really so bad.

Thanks. I do feel better.

Then again, terrorists never hijacked a nuclear armed submarine before. Now, Metal Gear… well, this will be the third time its happened.

What will we do?

I’m going to try to get the launch override keys from Meryl. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to destroy it. I’ll need you to tell me how, doctor.

Call me Otacon.

Otacon?

It’s short for Otaku Convention.

Otacon begins discussing, at length, his great love for anime. This also goes on for quite some time.

Sweet. Otacon is just like me!

Oh God, just kill me now.

After a while, Otacon finally shuts up about anime. Snake leaves him to seek Meryl.